Friday, January 04, 2008

Advice for the also-rans in Iowa

The results are in, and the big Iowa winners, as we all know, are Obama and Huckabee. Those two are getting lots of props and kudos today, while those who didn't do so well are plotting new strategies for New Hampshire. I don't know what will happen, but I think the other campaigns might want to consult a real campaign-turnaround specialist. They are a bit hard to reach, and they are Russian, but look what they can do for the down-on-their-luck, based on their ads in the Moscow subway newspaper, METRO:

Sofia Georgievna…clairvoyant and magician of the first order. I can keep your family together, return love to your home, deliver you from loneliness and despair. I can produce the most astonishing turnabouts…your lover will suddenly become as loyal as your faithful dog. I can also banish bad influences, e.g. curses, the evil eye, various spells. I will change your Karmic path. Custom-made talismans also available for a small extra fee. I can solve problems of any complexity.

Lidiia Andreevna…descendant of a professional magician. I will restore friendly relations in your family forever. I can derail your spouse’s illicit affair, fill your spouse with hatred and disgust for his or her lover and make sex with anyone else unthinkable. I can solve business-related difficulties of any level of complexity, e.g. forecasting, making a competitor disappear, advancing your career. I treat each client as an individual and guarantee 100% satisfaction. I am bonded by the city of Moscow and offer a written guarantee of results. Checks as well as cash accepted.

Ol’ga Fedorovna…descendant of a talented sorcerer, specialty is old-style Slavic magic. I work with each individual to determine his or her needs. I can bring back your estranged husband, mend your broken heart and re-establish loving relations in the family—results from the first day. I can remove curses, open up new possibilities for the loveless without a second consultation and protect you from all bad influences forever. I also practice business-magic, making you attractive to clients, helping bring in money, banishing competitors, guaranteeing your success. Talismans, amulets, defenses against evil, all with a lifetime guarantee.

With help like this--written guarantees, no less!--a phone call away, who needs strictly political consultants?!


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