Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Resolutions

Oh no, not for me. And not so much resolutions as what some of the notables of our past few years can do once they're out of power.

Rod Blagojevich: Why pussy foot around this one. If there was every anyone who is made to be a "made man," it's Rod. Get yourself down to the local branch of the mob and get to work. One thing about the new work, it's considered bad form to be in the press so much, not good.

Donald Rumsfeld: Donny has been quite the war afficionado. But why waste all this time watching from afar? Don, the age limit has been lifted just for you - you ship out in 3 days. And don't worry about not having a flak jacket or any protection on your vehicle. After all, "As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time." Good luck with that, BTW.

Karl Rove: For a guy who loves throwing his opponents into the political mud and debris, it seems only right that Karl spend the next few years of his life down in New Orleans' 9th ward, where broken houses, garbage and mud are still piled up waiting for help and action years after Katrina. Have fun Karl, and remember, keep those tetanus shots up to date!

John Bolton: It was bad enough that Bush sent a guy who was well known for being unable to control his temper to the UN. Bolton, who once said "if the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference," seemed stunned that he couldn't win Senate confirmation to the post. So let's forget the UN John - there seems to be a bit of a scuffle going on right now in Gaza. I think your new job is going to be offering to mediate a solution by strolling into Hamas HQ and sharing your thoughts. You'll have some common ground to work with, for as you said, "US would reject any attempt to regulate the trade in firearms or non-military rifles as it would "abrogate the constitutional right to bear arms." And I'm sure they can't agree with you more. Maybe they'll even show you some of their weapons up close.

Michael Brown: aka "heck of a job Brownie." No doubt Bush believed Mike's great background as a Commissioner for the International Arabian Horse Association (before they asked him to resign - poor Mike seems to get a lot of that) offered him just the right experience for leading the nation's emergency response team. I think Karl could use some of your help in cleaning up down there. But you might want to use an alias, that is if you'd like to survive the first night. Oh, and watch out for rats crawling into your sleeping bag at night.

Alberto Gonzales: Al has some serious memory problems "I don't remember," "I don't recall," "I can't seem to remember that." Perhaps he was not dodging the issues, but is, in fact, suffering from early onset Alzheimer's disease. I'm sure he'll have no problem with stepping up to be a human guinea pig for several potential Alzheimer drugs. The riskier, the better for this stolworth, who, as the Atlantic Monthly noted during his Texas general counsel days, "repeatedly failed to apprise the governor of crucial issues in the cases at hand: ineffective counsel, conflict of interest, mitigating evidence, even actual evidence of innocence." So I'm sure you're fine with doing all these drug tests without bothering the FDA with it.

Harriett Miers: Ah, just slink back into obscurity and live your life, Bush screwed you over enough for several lifetimes already.

George Tenet: George, you really fowled up there on the intelligence for international terrorism. But lucky for you, John McCain has a plan for capturing bin Laden. So we're going to partner the two of you up, drop you into the Afghan mountains, and you give us a call when the job is done.

The Two Pauls: Paul Bremer, America's viceroy in Iraq, and Paul Wolfowitz, Deputy Secretary of Defense certainly deserve mention and attention on this list. Few contributed more to the utter collapse of the early Iraq invasion and rebuilding efforts than Bremer and Wolfowitz. Sure some might say that placing a couple of guys who didn't know the country, culture, history or language into such critical positions in Iraq was just asking for trouble. Since the pair have since blamed problems on the other, it's time to team them up again. Paul & Paul, we'll be sending you into Iraq, no, not the Green Zone, but out into the countryside. You'll be giving lectures explaining the invasion to community groups. Extra credit if you survive the first lecture.

Dick Cheney: There just has been too much confusion over the years as to what constitutes "torture." Cheney himself can't figure it out - "Was it torture? I don't believe it was torture." So thanks to Mr. Cheney for volunteering to be the "detainee" in a series of studies in which a variety of techniques will be tried. If Mr. Cheney believes a technique is "torture," he will signal that to the guards by passing out.

"W": It would be a waste to let the Decider slink into retirement down in Texas. There are so many areas he could be put to work in. After all, more than 61 percent of the historians in a recent survey concluded that the current presidency is the worst in the nation’s history. So which failure, error, misjudgment, or boneheaded stubborn move do we send "W" out to reflect upon or correct? Send him into Ohio or Indiana with $1000, no credit rating and tell him to get a job and buy a house? Or send him on a "good will" trip out of the country without first mentioning that he's mistakenly been placed on the "no fly" list - good luck getting off that, btw George. Send him down to clean up the sludge mess in Tennessee with a pail and shovel? Nah. I think for George who just can't seem to get anything into his head except that he tells himself, it's much simpler. Send him on a tour of the country. He gets to meet with Americans household by household and hear from them how they're doing. It's no fun just letting him go off and live amongst his family and sycophants. Let's have him spend quality time with the people who have tried their best to survive under his administration.


Blogger buckarooskidoo said...

if rod serling were still on the air, this would be a great script for a twilight zone hourlong episode. kind of like the concentration camp guard who returned as a tour guide and was gloating about nazi successes when he suddenly found himself surrounded by ghostly ex-prisoners who were preparing a trial for him.

12:07 PM  

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