Safety Tips - How to Survive a Monkey Attack

Ok, so I couldn't resist this bit from Slate. "The deputy mayor of New Delhi, India, fell off his balcony and died Sunday after being attacked by monkeys, his family members say. The city has around 10,000 monkeys, some of which have taken to roaming through government buildings as they steal food and rip apart documents."

So, according to Slate, if you find yourself under potential attack by a group of monkeys, remember these safety tips:

• If you are holding a snack, throw it in their direction, and they'll stop bothering you.
• If you don't have any food, hold out your open palms to show you're not carrying a tasty treat or back away from the monkeys without showing fear.
• Don't make eye contact or smile with your teeth showing—in the nonhuman primate world, these are almost always signs of aggression.

Perhaps using this wisdom from Slate, we can find ways to survive our own government. So, the next time you find yourself surrounded by a group of neo-cons, remember these safety tips:

• If you are holding a copy of the Bill of Rights, destroy it and they'll stop bothering you.
• If you don't have a record of your rights, hold out your open palms to show you're willing to be spied on, tortured or "redacted" and back away from the neo-cons without showing fear. They already have your addresses & phone numbers.
  
• Don't make eye contact or smile with your teeth showing—in the nonhuman neo-con world, these are certainly signs of aggression, but don't worry, they'll probably attack you no matter what. I'd suggest sending the monkeys after them, but not even monkeys can stomach neo-con.